Austin Powers 4: The Koopa with the Golden Mojo

Gripping the seat as it began to turn around suddenly, Fire found himself still on the love seat now facing Lemmy in another room. "You ruined our conversation!", he exclaimed as he pointed a finger at him. "Who in the bloody hell are you?"

Lemmy looked at Fire with a frown as he stepped away from his desk and walked towards a bathroom stall standing next to it, which was also painted gold. "I'm all schweaty from ze show," he said as he stepped into the stall and shut the door behind him. "Don't mind ze while I change, no?" As he stripped himself out of his gold shell, a bright yellow light began to flow out from all sides of the stall and filled the room. Pulling a spare shell from a hook on the inside of the stall, which was ironically also gold, he slipped into it easily and walked back out of the stall and towards the desk.

Sitting down, he clasped his hands and looked to Fire and then to Murcury. "Tight. Tight like a tieeee-ger!", he said in a terribly exaggerated accent.

"What's tight?", Murcury said as he looked at himself for a moment and then back to Lemmy in a bewildered expression. "We're koopas, we don't wear any pants!"

"I am quite smashing!", Fire exclaimed with a smile as he then realized Lemmy was trying to change to subject and became serious. Getting up from the love seat, he quickly got to his feet and began to walk up to the desk with his golden gun still out and pointed at him. "Spill it! Who are you and I know you're working for Doctor Evil!"

"This shell is tight," Lemmy said as he struggled around behind the desk for a moment. "Either it's too small or I should go on a diet."

Putting his hands up, he gave Fire a serious look. "Shoestring me and I shoestring your fah-jahhh.", he said as he then began to dig around underneath his desk. "I'll show you two beautiful, tight koopas my guide to being such a stud like myself." Pulling out plates with food on them, he set them on the desk individually. There was about six plates in all. "How about fish and chips, fries and a flounder, steaks and a pike, waffle and a marlin, curly and a cod," he said as his gold shell began to peel and flake, turned on by the food or by himself. "Or my personal favorite, a stogie and a sturgeon?"

Turning his attention to his flaking shell, he peeled a gold flake off with a finger and began to lick at it with his tongue. "Peeling again! Must. Have. Gold."

Murcury got up from the sofa and pulled out his gun, fixing it on Lemmy's head. "Enough of this nonsense, tell us where Doctor Evil is!", he shouted. "Fish is quite good for you if you eat it in sensible portions by the way."

A red door poofed into the left side of the lair as Jade stepped into the room, gold glitter spilling down the back of her shell and onto the floor. Pulling out a gun from her shell, she walked up to Lemmy and aimed it at him with a steady hand. "Freeze Goldmember!", she shouted in a booming voice. "You're under arrest, sugar.."

Fire looked around the lair that was gold and everything in the room that was also gold. Shrugging, he kept his gun aimed at Lemmy. "Goldmember?", he asked, astounded and perhaps a bit confused too. "Heck, I swore that was Sonny Bono!"

Murcury turned to Fire and shrugged. "I was going to say Liberace but this room seemed awful familiar."

Whipping the table across the room with his scaly tail, Murcury slowly walked up to Lemmy with his gun still aimed at him. "I've killed plenty of henchmen during my lifetime and I'll make the same work of you if you don't come with us."

Lemmy's arm stretched and looped around Murcury's neck, squeezing tightly around it. Turning his head a full 180 degrees, he looked to Jade and smirked. "What are you, night security? But seriously, one move and the fahjah gets it!"

Murcury struggled a little bit as he tried to curl a finger around the trigger of his own weapon. "Geezus man," he grunted as the pressure increased around his neck, choking him. "How the bloody hell did you do that?"

Jade gave Lemmy an insulted look as she kept her gun placed at his head. "No, uh Pizza Delivery," she said in a bewildered voice as she thought to herself just then. "Damn you TMNT II!"

"I have a 'ball' telling this story," Lemmy said in a shrill voice as he increased his grip around Murcury's neck. "It's due to an unfortunate Mario Paint incident. Ze know, da unresponsive mouse and de limited undo button. I was painting a stunning picture of myself when I attempted to color my shell gold, but was so caught up in the game I did not realized I had a broken line in the shell outline and the gold spilled all over me and my drawing. Undo could not save the damage that had already been done." Walking over towards the back wall behind his desk, he made a hand gesture to something above him. Giving everybody an evil look, he kept his face and voice steady without any emotion. "Hence the name, Golllldmember.."

"You're going nowhere, suga..", Jade said as she kept a gun pointed at Lemmy's head. "And you're just a sick, sick koopa!"

"Give it up, Goldmember!", Fire shouted as he walked closer with the gun still aimed at Lemmy's head. "You're surrounded."

Murcury continued to struggle in the grasp of Lemmy. "Yeah what they said," he choked out loudly. "Just trying to fit in, mate.."

"Zats what you think!", Lemmy said with excitement as he revealed a giant gold star that had came down from the rafters and to a rest directly behind him. The star began to glow brightly as he pointed his gun at the group surrounding him and his captive Murcury. Tightening his grip around Murcury's neck with his other arm, he jumped into the star as they both disappeared from sight in another bright flash of light.

Jade looked at Fire for a moment and then to the giant starman. "So do we go in that thing or what?", she asked him, bewildered.

"We'll just do it like the last three movies," Fire said to Jade as he pulled out the time machine keys from his shell. "Make it harder than it needs to be, maybe some poorly done pop culture reference along the way.. the machine is just out by the front doors of this place, let's go save my father." Extending a hand to Jade, because that's just how a koopa gets a potential shag in the shell, he adjusted his glasses with the other free hand and let off a devilish grin.

Jade took Fire's hand and smiled to him, passing off a wink. "Please show me your.. machine." she said softly as he walked with him out of the building. Looking around, she saw a DeLorean sitting out in front of them, as said directly in the path of the front doors. "You're machine.. is a DeLorean?", she asked in astonishment.

"I'll show you the back seat later," Fire said as he opened the passenger door of the machine for Jade and gestured her in. "If you know what I mean baby.."

"Oh Behave!", Jade said to Fire as she got into the passenger side of the vehicle. Looking around at all the control panels and electronics, she was blown away by its complexity. "So how does this thing work?"

"You sunk my battleship, baby!" Fire said as he shut the passenger door for Jade and proceeded to slide across the roof of the vehicle and landing easily on his feet by the drivers door. Opening it with a cool whooshing sound coming from the door, he sat down inside and lazily gestured a free hand over the blinking lights all over the dash. "Where you are, where you been, where you going.." he muttered in a hurry as he turned the ignition of the machine, causing it to start with a loud vroom. "I'll explain it later.. but am I missing something here?"

Jade crossed her arms and shook her head at Fire. "Directions perhaps?", she asked in a sing-song voice. Sighing, she wondered if all male koopas were like this. After a moment, she turned her head away and stared out the passenger window. "Damn boys and their maps..", she mumbled.

The television screen embedded in the dashboard of the car turned on as the dragoness Dessie's face shown with a kitchen in the background. "Austin," she said with a gentle smile, "you will find Goldmember in Aurora, Illinois, a suburb of Chicago. The year and date is August 25, 1992." Giving Fire a hard and serious stare from her twinkling eyes that shined like a diamond through a misty evening sky, she took a sip from a glass of water positioned just off screen to her left and then continued. "It's in a household and your target claims to live with his parents, which is what children of today refer to as 'both bogus and sad'." She gave one last wave with the tip of her tail as the screen proceeded to turn off.

(I, Fernando, brother-in-law to Rose, have helped her write this post since she was not sure of what was asked of her. Blessed be my friends.)