Austin Powers 4: The Koopa with the Golden Mojo

Picking up Heaven like a coffee cup from his flabby lap, Iggitarian attempted to get to his feet as the foundation of the castle began to crumble and de-stabilize. Pointing a finger at Fire, he winked at him "Just because I haven't seen mine in ten years doesn't mean it's gone good-bye.", he joked. "But alright, alright," he pleaded out to Fire as he set himself back down. "My time machine is in the garage.. it runs off of Fire Flowers but I ate them all."

Grabbing Heaven and pulling her back into his lap, he began to play with the back of her shell again. "Please put down the machine and I'll tell you how to get to your father."

"Fair enough." Fire said as he set the sausage equipment down. Rolling his eyes, he kept his position by the window and crossed his arms. "No more stories, spill my father's where.. about.. s."

"You'll need 1.21 gigawatts of energy in order to transport," Iggitarian said as he adjusted his fat. "Which is equivalent to a bolt of lightning. Goldmember has your dad in his lair, you'll have to go back to 1975 to find him."

Fire began to walk towards the front door but turned around just before he exited the castle. He dug around inside his shell and found a tarp and threw it at Iggitarian. "Have some decency, geezus."

Walking out to the garage, he found the stainless steel go-kart sitting inside it. Opening the side door, he hopped inside and entered 1975 into the keypad and pressed enter. Hitting the gas pedal, he began to speed off and wondered how in the heck he'd miraculously find a bolt of lightning that would strike his vehicle. 1.21 gigawatts he said.. transport you to 1975 he said.

The clouds open up as clear skies bloom
Above a golden dragon looms
His eyes a glow and a hearty laugh
He senses a vehicle traveling down the path
The sound of lightning strikes abound
As the dragon sends one down
The bolt strikes the car so great
In time it goes as it hits eighty-eight

Sparks and light flew before Fire's eyes from the view of the windshield as the go-kart topped 88 MPH, consuming itself into a bright white for a millisecond as the valley reappeared. Guessing by his desolate surroundings, this was the time period he had been aiming for. Looking for clues, he slowed the car and read the names of the buildings in town. Seeing a big flashing sign posted above a gold plated castle that said 'Goldmember's Club', he figured that he found the right place.

Parking the car in front of the building, he pulled out a big floppy purple hat from his shell along with a feather boa and walked through the glass doors lined with gold trim. He was uncertain if he was prepared for what was inside.

Jade was standing on a stage in the middle of a huge nightclub, surrounded by three bars lined up against the wall. The walls and the floor were made of solid gold, casting a bright glare from the disco ball that was spreading light across the floor. The ball too, was of gold but plated only. With gold glitter all over hair and coming down her jade green shell, the koopaling winked at Fire as she raised a hand to the stairs to her left. "Welcome to Goldmember's Pad!", she exclaimed to the crowded nightclub with a smile. "Here's the man you've all been waiting for, the person of the moment.. GOLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDMEMBERRRRRRRRR!"

Nervously looking to Fire again, Jade then turned her attention to the dragon covered in glitter dancing behind her. Whispering something to the beast, she walked off the stage as disco music began to blare throughout the room.

The pink dragon behind Jade, her beautiful scales covered in gold glitter, tapped the two other female koopas on the back of the shoulder and whispered to each one gently, in a raspy voice. She then quickly hustled them off the stage and into the backroom, her glossy pink tail dragging across the floor lightly as she entered the backroom, vanishing from view.

Skating out onto the balcony, Lemmy had a gold plated koopa shell and a long silver goatee trailing down his chin. Stopping himself just above the crowd on the balcony, he leaned over the guard railing and pumped his fists. "I'm from Holland," he said in a high pitched, german accent. "Isn't zat wierd?"

Continuing to roll down towards the stairs, he realized it wasn't the staircase he thought it would be and wound up tripping and tumbling down the steps. Bouncing off the wall and hitting his head on every other step or so, he crashed to the floor of the nightclub in a crumpled mess. Shaking out the cobwebs, he got back to his feet and twisted his left leg and draped it around his neck, using it as a scarf. Somehow skating around on one leg, he began slapping koopa troopas on the behind as he moved around the nightclub's busy floor. "Oh hoo!", he shouted happily as he then took one arm and twisted around his waist like a belt.

Fire watched as Lemmy entered the room and cringed at the thought of his limbs being able to move around like that. Noticing Jade winking in his direction, he began to twirl around the room and high five female koopa troopas as his large hat flopped around atop is head. Doing the locomotion with his arms, he was only a few feet away walking distance from Jade.

"FOXY!", he shouted. "What's goin' on, baby?"

A green Birdo with a blue bow on top of its head came between Fire and Jade. "Austin Danger Powers," he snapped at Fire as he dragged him by the arm over to a couch. "Where have you been?"

Fire was tugged over to the couch by the Birdo as he then attempted to look around the sides of it. Sitting on the couch next to the Birdo, he seemed to have no choice. "Have we met?", he asked as he adjusted his glasses, seeming embarrassed. "Sir, madam.. whatever you are.."

Giving Goldmember a strange look, Jade made her way over to the couch and sat behind the Birdo. Straightening out her hair bow, she felt up her legs seductively. Pulling a makeup poof from her shell, she began to do up her face.

"It's me," the birdo said as he snapped his fingers across his chest in a 'Z' motion. "Foxy Cleopatra." Pulling out a cat from its snout, the birdo handed it to Fire. "I'm using this cat as a decoy. Rumor has it that your father is behind held captive in Goldmember's office.. there is also one more thing I need to say to you."

"Foxy?!", Fire exclaimed as he checked his glasses to see if he had become delusional . "You've really let yourself go, baby.." Looking to the wet pussy that the Birdo had just given to him, he threw it carelessly over his shoulder.

Grabbing Fire suddenly by the waist, the Birdo began to suck on Fire's head with his snout. After a good few minutes, he spit him out back onto the couch. With a wink, he straightened out his hair bow. "Good luck, stud muffin," he said to him seductively. "You'll need it rescuing your daddy..."

Cringing to herself at the noises behind her, Jade turned around in her seat and shoved the birdo to the floor. Taking Fire by the hand, she looked at him and smiled. "Austin!", she said cheerfully. "I thought you forgot about me."

Dusting herself off, she rose from her seat and extended a hand to him. "Come on, I know where your father is."

Picking himself off the floor, the birdo looked at Jade and crossed his arms over his green, tubby chest. "Hmph!", he exclaimed aloud in an astonished voice.

With nothing more to say, he walked out of the room and towards Goldmember's room.

Wiping the slobber from his face and glasses, Fire looked to the birdo as it was knocked off the couch suddenly. "Foxy?", he shouted loudly as he looked around the room blindly. "Where did you go and your twin has awful breath.."

Realizing Jade was right in front of his face, he hopped off the couch and took her hand in his. Flashing off a yellowed smile, he swung his other arm around freely to the music playing around him. "Groovy BABY YEAH, show me to my father!", he shouted.

Smiling to Fire, Jade walked along side him down a hallway until they approached a black door that had "GOLDMEMBER'S SECRET OFFICE" printed on it in huge gold letters. "I'm honestly surprised at him," she said as she pointed at the door. "I mean who else could keep their office so hidden and out of the obvious."

Pulling out a gun from her shell, she looked around her nervously for a moment then back into the eyes of Fire. "I'll hit him off through the back door." She walked away from Fire and disappeared out of the hallway back into the large room they had just came in from.

Also pulling a gun from his shell, Fire took a deep breath and kicked the office door open. Stepping inside, he looked around and noticed this room was also gold plated. "Dad!", he shouted.

Murcury was laid out on a gold love-seat against the wall with female koopa troopas swarming all over him. "Hello son," he said with a grin as he defogged his glasses. "Just give me what.. seven or eight minutes?" He let off a laugh and then set his attention back to the lovely ladies.

Fire gave Murcury a disgusted look. "Ugh man," he said in a displeased voice. "You know I don't like seeing men at work, especially if it includes my father!"

"But seriously," he said as he sat next to Murcury on the love-seat. "I'm here to rescue you, dad."

"Men at Work?", Murcury added as he sat up and pushed himself away slightly from the koopa troopas behind him on the cushion. "Let's talk 1980's pop so we don't disgust these girls.. remember the nanny we had when you were a wee troopa? I nailed her in the land down under!"

Lemmy was sitting in his office with his feet kicked up on his solid gold desk, tired from his stretch exercise and dance number on the club floor. Hearing faint talking coming from behind the wall just in front of his desk, he casually slapped a red button located under his desk. The wall began to open up, revealing an enclosed love seat with dozens of female troopas and a few other guest surprises.

"Welcome to my lair!", he exclaimed to the group sitting atop the sofa. "Where the women glow.. and the men plunder..", he added with a low voice as he turned his head a full 90 degrees without flinching. "Men at Work."